Hello Friends,
Below is a draft of "Detective Winthrop," a piece that I wrote and workshopped for my Writer's Focus class. Overall, I received positive criticism, however I was told that it might flow better, if I broke up some of the larger paragraphs with interjections from Winthrop. What do you think?
...
“I’m Detective Winthrop. Now Ms. Jones and Mr. Duhmal, you appear to
have experienced quite the turbulent afternoon, with the car crash and all. I’m thankful that you both seem to be all
right. You probably want to get over
this scene as soon as possible, but first I would like to ask you both a few
questions in order to further understand what you experienced and learn how I
can help you to the best of my ability.”
“Yes of course, Mr. Winthrop. One second please, let me just fix my
lipstick. Oh, good good. Now, Mr. Winthrop, it was, it was such a
horrid incident, that, that car crash. That
poor boy in front of us, oh, I hope he is alright! What a shock it was! Even now I can feel my dentures shaking in
their Rebase ii Adhesive.”
“Yeah. It threw me for a real long loop. You know, you feel something like that and
think wow is this the karmic awakening? I mean, and now, talking to you, a man in
blue, it’s like just literal nuts, if you’re catching my midriff.”
“Okay, let’s try and get a
bit more specific. Now can you bring me
back to when you first got in the taxi, Ms. Jones? I see you’re wringing your hands quite
ferociously, are you feeling alright?”
“Oh, yes, yes, it’s just a bad
habit. Well, as for the horrid incident,
I had been waiting on the street for a taxi.
I tell you Mr. Winthrop, that wait seemed like an eternity. And you know, I don’t look like I have much
time left, now do I? Eventually, a taxi
stopped and I slugged in, like the old bat I am, and in that instant I smelled
the most wondrous and exotic perfume!
And as I wrapped my old mind around what in the world that smell was, I
waited. Silence, I tell you Mr.
Winthrop. It was so quiet, that in all
candor, I could hear some trickling occur onto my Prevail Protections! Oh, oh dear me, I always tell too much, Mr.
Winthrop. Well, I had completely
forgotten that I was the one who should have been providing the
directions. Ha! Instead I was awfully busy getting around to
checking my lipstick in the rearview mirror.
And so, handsome Mr. Duhmal here, turned around to ask me where in the
world I needed him to take me; and I swear Mr. Winthrop, as he turned and
looked back, and as I looked up into the mirror, we both screamed bloody murder
at the same time!”
“Winthrop man, yeah, Jones
here speaks my truth. You know, I
thought it was, I don’t know, I guess weird, like on a different level weird,
that my, my good customer was so, how should I put this, spiritually and
emotionally distant. So, I turned around
to check if her aura was still beaming out.
It was. But whoa, you know, I was
yeah, soulfully socked with one of those full body blows by what I saw out the
back window.”
“Yes, okay I see. Now, we seem to be getting somewhere. So, what exactly did you witness?”
“Yeah, so like just a few
seconds in, after rotating around my seat like a swivel, I was balling man,
like, like Kim in that video when she knows you know she was trying to see if
it would work out. Like Winthrop, it was
so beautiful. I felt the inner paradoxes
of 5th Street intermittently resolve themselves, you know,
respectfully of course, like they dodged my taxi while doing their thing. Concepts just don’t do that nowadays. And then I started whole bodily laughing,
like I felt it even in my vestigial organs because I just was swept by
undulations of nostalgia. Like full
frontal nostalgia, in your face, semi-hanging; you know, like you’re not quite
sure if the undulations are excited or just wide in wavelength. I mean, I swear man, I literally stared at it
after my throat stopped sounding with noise and vibrations, until I could feel,
like the liquid gather up in an illogical way as my eyes burned hot but were…soggy. Mhm, like my body defined contradictions, but
my mind, my spirit entertained the holy waterfall of design that is our Creator. So in conclusion, Mr. Winthrop, Thomas was
sending some, some Socratic vibes in that baby blue, like
it penetrated me and my yellow taxi, and if I’m going to be honest, probably
poor old Jones and that car in front of us.”
“My oh my, Mr. Winthrop, I, I
did feel it. I suppose it was like one
of those instances when you can’t feel something but you still know it exists,
sort of like some shriveled up body parts of mine! Oh, ha ha but that doesn’t matter! I knew it
was there, yes, yes, I knew, because I saw him too, in that rearview mirror,
which by the way Mr. Duhmal, is in no way as good shape as you are. Talk about hot stuff over here! But in that rearview mirror, I was taken
aback, Mr. Winthrop. I felt my bones
quiver and accidently smeared my Lime Crime Wicked Velvetine Lipstick all over my, all over my, all over, where, where was
I, oh yes, my right cheek. And oh how I
screamed. I haven’t hollered that loud
since, oh bother, we better not go down that road, I’m already a bit soaked
down there from my trickling incident!
But I swear Mr. Winthrop, when I viewed him in that glass, I felt death
creep in that taxi. Yes, I did. I did, Mr. Winthrop. I screamed, ‘Earl, prepare – for Nancy’s on a
one way trip up to you, the good Lord, and his gracious Son!’ And after the crash, Mr. Winthrop, I kept on
screaming. I didn’t care that people
were staring, wondering why in the world an old lady was hollering, ‘Thomas,
why, why would you do this to us?” Oh
dear Jesus, just thinking about it. Mr.
Duhmal, hold me, I’m, I’m getting so, so, what’s the word, oh yes, weak.
That horrid incident, that horrid, horrid incident! Oh, I feel my dentures coming loose, Mr.
Winthrop – let me get a cig! Ah shit, I
need a new pack. No, I need to sit! But in all sincerity, Mr. Winthrop, how was I
to prepare for a moment when I would look into a rearview mirror and see
nothing but a smirking behemoth of a Thomas the Train?”
“Okay, Ms. Jones, I hear you. Why don’t you take a seat with those nice men
over there near the cop car. Now, Mr.
Duhmal, be frank with me, when you turned around in your driver’s seat, did you
see ‘Thomas the Train’ as well?”
“Winthrop, my man, I’m being
down to earth right now, like in the ground with you, dude, what got me was
what I didn’t see.”
“Oh really? What didn’t you see, Mr. Duhmal?”
“Winthrop, I stared through
that window man, and I looked into Thomas’ eyes. And I kid you not, like maybe this should be
off the books, but I didn’t see a pupil in either of his corneas. They were just whole and holes, one and a shame,
near and fair. But yet, I felt the
pupils in the atmospheric interior of the taxi.
And as I calmed my chakras, and ascended my soul from my body to check
the taxi’s perimeter, I felt the pupulic energy in the yellow paint. Man
Winthrop, I felt them palpably. And so I
came back down, centered, and then, to continue the transcendent and
pre-established psychic movement, I looked down. And it must have been a cosmological test
man, but I saw Thomas’ pupils on Jones’ bellybutton and my own. And I just
knew, man, I knew. This had meaning. Because when I saw Jone’s pupiled
bellybutton, she saw mine, and we both got up, and fondled each others, like
that was what the Great Shamanic Thomas the Train wanted all along.”
“Yes, I think I see now. And I suppose that’s when you took your foot
off the break, Mr. Duhmal, isn’t it? Why
don’t you come along with me.”
“I’m Detective Winthrop. Now Ms. Jones and Mr. Duhmal, you appear to
have experienced quite the turbulent afternoon, with the car crash and all. I’m thankful that you both seem to be all
right. You probably want to get over
this scene as soon as possible, but first I would like to ask you both a few
questions in order to further understand what you experienced and learn how I
can help you to the best of my ability.”
“Yes of course, Mr.
Winthrop. One second please, let me just
fix my lipstick. Oh, good good. Now, Mr. Winthrop, it was, it was such a
horrid incident, that, that car crash.
That poor boy in front of us, oh, I hope he is alright! What a shock it was! Even now I can feel my dentures shaking in
their Rebase ii Adhesive.”
“Yeah. It threw me for a real long loop. You know, you feel something like that and think
wow is this the karmic awakening? I mean, and now, talking to you, a man in
blue, it’s like just literal nuts, if you’re catching my midriff.”
“Okay, let’s try and get a
bit more specific. Now can you bring me
back to when you first got in the taxi, Ms. Jones? I see you’re wringing your hands quite
ferociously, are you feeling alright?”
“Oh, yes, yes, it’s just a
bad habit. Well, as for the horrid
incident, I had been waiting on the street for a taxi. I tell you Mr. Winthrop, that wait seemed like
an eternity. And you know, I don’t look
like I have much time left, now do I? Eventually,
a taxi stopped and I slugged in, like the old bat I am, and in that instant I
smelled the most wondrous and exotic perfume!
And as I wrapped my old mind around what in the world that smell was, I
waited. Silence, I tell you Mr.
Winthrop. It was so quiet, that in all
candor, I could hear some trickling occur onto my Prevail Protections! Oh, oh dear me, I always tell too much, Mr.
Winthrop. Well, I had completely
forgotten that I was the one who should have been providing the
directions. Ha! Instead I was awfully busy getting around to
checking my lipstick in the rearview mirror.
And so, handsome Mr. Duhmal here, turned around to ask me where in the
world I needed him to take me; and I swear Mr. Winthrop, as he turned and
looked back, and as I looked up into the mirror, we both screamed bloody murder
at the same time!”
“Winthrop man, yeah, Jones
here speaks my truth. You know, I
thought it was, I don’t know, I guess weird, like on a different level weird,
that my, my good customer was so, how should I put this, spiritually and
emotionally distant. So, I turned around
to check if her aura was still beaming out.
It was. But whoa, you know, I was
yeah, soulfully socked with one of those full body blows by what I saw out the
back window.”
“Yes, okay I see. Now, we seem to be getting somewhere. So, what exactly did you witness?”
“Yeah, so like just a few
seconds in, after rotating around my seat like a swivel, I was balling man,
like, like Kim in that video when she knows you know she was trying to see if
it would work out. Like Winthrop, it was
so beautiful. I felt the inner paradoxes
of 5th Street intermittently resolve themselves, you know,
respectfully of course, like they dodged my taxi while doing their thing. Concepts just don’t do that nowadays. And then I started whole bodily laughing,
like I felt it even in my vestigial organs because I just was swept by
undulations of nostalgia. Like full frontal
nostalgia, in your face, semi-hanging; you know, like you’re not quite sure if
the undulations are excited or just wide in wavelength. I mean, I swear man, I literally stared at it
after my throat stopped sounding with noise and vibrations, until I could feel,
like the liquid gather up in an illogical way as my eyes burned hot but
were…soggy. Mhm, like my body defined
contradictions, but my mind, my spirit entertained the holy waterfall of design
that is our Creator. So in conclusion,
Mr. Winthrop, Thomas was sending some, some
Socratic vibes in that baby blue,
like it penetrated me and my yellow taxi, and if I’m going to be honest,
probably poor old Jones and that car in front of us.”
“My oh my, Mr. Winthrop, I, I
did feel it. I suppose it was like one
of those instances when you can’t feel something but you still know it exists,
sort of like some shriveled up body parts of mine! Oh, ha ha but that doesn’t matter! I knew it
was there, yes, yes, I knew, because I saw him too, in that rearview mirror,
which by the way Mr. Duhmal, is in no way as good shape as you are. Talk about hot stuff over here! But in that rearview mirror, I was taken
aback, Mr. Winthrop. I felt my bones
quiver and accidently smeared my Lime Crime Wicked Velvetine Lipstick all over my, all over my, all over, where, where was
I, oh yes, my right cheek. And oh how I
screamed. I haven’t hollered that loud
since, oh bother, we better not go down that road, I’m already a bit soaked
down there from my trickling incident!
But I swear Mr. Winthrop, when I viewed him in that glass, I felt death
creep in that taxi. Yes, I did. I did, Mr. Winthrop. I screamed, ‘Earl, prepare – for Nancy’s on a
one way trip up to you, the good Lord, and his gracious Son!’ And after the crash, Mr. Winthrop, I kept on
screaming. I didn’t care that people
were staring, wondering why in the world an old lady was hollering, ‘Thomas,
why, why would you do this to us?” Oh
dear Jesus, just thinking about it. Mr.
Duhmal, hold me, I’m, I’m getting so, so, what’s the word, oh yes, weak.
That horrid incident, that horrid, horrid incident! Oh, I feel my dentures coming loose, Mr.
Winthrop – let me get a cig! Ah shit, I
need a new pack. No, I need to sit! But in all sincerity, Mr. Winthrop, how was I
to prepare for a moment when I would look into a rearview mirror and see
nothing but a smirking behemoth of a Thomas the Train?”
“Okay, Ms. Jones, I hear you. Why don’t you take a seat with those nice men
over there near the cop car. Now, Mr.
Duhmal, be frank with me, when you turned around in your driver’s seat, did you
see ‘Thomas the Train’ as well?”
“Winthrop, my man, I’m being
down to earth right now, like in the ground with you, dude, what got me was
what I didn’t see.”
“Oh really? What didn’t you see, Mr. Duhmal?”
“Winthrop, I stared through
that window man, and I looked into Thomas’ eyes. And I kid you not, like maybe this should be
off the books, but I didn’t see a pupil in either of his corneas. They were just whole and holes, one and a shame,
near and fair. But yet, I felt the
pupils in the atmospheric interior of the taxi.
And as I calmed my chakras, and ascended my soul from my body to check
the taxi’s perimeter, I felt the pupulic energy in the yellow paint. Man
Winthrop, I felt them palpably. And so I
came back down, centered, and then, to continue the transcendent and
pre-established psychic movement, I looked down. And it must have been a cosmological test
man, but I saw Thomas’ pupils on Jones’ bellybutton and my own. And I just
knew, man, I knew. This had meaning. Because when I saw Jone’s pupiled
bellybutton, she saw mine, and we both got up, and fondled each others, like
that was what the Great Shamanic Thomas the Train wanted all along.”
“Yes, I think I see now. And I suppose that’s when you took your foot
off the break, Mr. Duhmal, isn’t it? Why
don’t you come along with me.”
- J. A. Kind
