Friday, February 20, 2015

To Vegetarians and Non-Vegetarians Alike

Yes, I love animals.  No, that does not mean I will make love to them. 

Consuming food breeds joy.  No seriously, few things more importantly won4derful (it’s a trend – literal translation: for in the wonder) than the consumption of food exist in this universe.  The pure orgasmic feeling of shoving pounds (or kilos – I don’t judge) of unadulterated, fatty food into the pie hole simply outweighs all other troubles and won4ders in life.

However, for me, in the past year and a half, this exhilarating feeling of ingestion has been littered with pricks and pines of judgmental questioning. 

I am a vegetarian – there, I said it.  However, as many times as I step out of my stereotypically veggie and fruit filled closet, humans seem to continuously bombard me with questions about my eating habits – or as I like to call them, my consumptiality. 

Unlike my sexuality, I decided the boundaries of my consumptiality.  Nevertheless, these decisions ooze of a personal, conscious stench.  A stench that I would have rather kept to myself, however unlike the unadulterated, fatty food that I shove into the growing abyss that is my pie hole, I cannot stuff my scented consumptiality into my bodily oblivion.  Instead I must shroud myself in the odor and engage in horrid interaction and conversation about the stink when other humans lean into my scented, consuming, gravitational pull. 

Once other humanoid life forms do fall in proximity, their immediate, oh-so-basic question blurts out from their mouths in a ratty, high pitched squeal.  “Why did you decide to not eat meat anymore?” Oh, the average manner in which they ask; they find it affirming yet I despise its ignorant disrespectfulness.  However, for me, the question does not reek of offensiveness as much as the fashion by which it was pondered and subsequently asked. 

THE BASICNESS – IT PAINFULLY KILLS A PART OF MY SOUL. (which if you think about it is even more offensive than any other action because one of the reasons I am not eating meat is because I don’t want to kill anything with a bunch of nerves, and the practice of not eating animals is the closest lifestyle I can live while attempting to reach this unobtainable ideal; but, then you go ahead and painfully kill part of me thus adding to my contribution to the tangible pain in this universe and that just isn’t nice)  Simply put, it hurts. 

People, please, please splatter and soak your questioning in simple, appropriate creativity.  Ask, in a non-squealing voice, “So, does meat give you the shits?”  That’s funny – I would actually laugh.  But don’t go overboard. 

I have actually had people smugly come up to me and crappily proclaim, “So, do you not eat animals because you have like a weird thing for them – you know, bestiality is wrong…” 

NO, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.  WHO THE LA-DEE-FRICKEN-DAH KNEW THAT.

Wait, yeah, I stopped eating animals because I felt bad about digesting the egg-provider of the dove I was going to make love to that night.  I simply could not stroke her talons (so what, I can have a talon fetish – JOKING, Jesus, people, take a joke) while picturing the juicy tenderness of her mother’s wings.  It was too much, so instead I just told my dovey (get it) that I wasn’t in the mood because I had seen a dove killed earlier in the morning.  When she fell asleep, I wrote a poem about my angst and the first-world problems that arose from my engagement in both bestiality and vegetarianism.  That very limerick styled poem goes as follows:

I really want to find some love.
So I must get a messenger dove,
To send this here letter,
That’ll be read to get her,
Kidding – come bird, I speak of.

Oh to be a vegetarian. 


           - J. A. Kind 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

7 Lifestyle 'Choices' All Netflixers 'Make'

Jacob Kind is now a published writer on Thought Catalog.  This is his first entry on the site.  Clicking here will take one to the same article as bellow.


7 Lifestyle 'Choices' All Netflixers 'Make.'


1. Counting time in show or movie lengths.

Yes, that 23-minute ride to work today – that’s a “F.R.I.E.N.D.S.” episode. That 48-minute total commute – that’s a “Br Ba.” Those 36 days, 5 hours, and 40 minutes – that’s a whole series called “How I met Your Mother.”

2. Recognizing extras in multiple shows or movies.

Let’s be honest, it’s the backgrounders who make or break the show. Avid Netflixers can determine the success and likeage of a show based solely off the extra cast.

3. Dying from “Whoops something went wrong…”

Okay, “whoops” hurts like an uppercut straight to the groin. And the ellipse, the passive aggressive, stinging amalgamation of three dots – why? As if one was not enough.

4. Looking at all four corners of the screen in random patterns (while in between episodes) to strengthen and move eye muscles.

This exercise is vitally important to the enthusiastic Netflixer. It flexes the eyes while providing a decent workout for one of the Netflix kind.

5. Obtaining third degree burns in the stomach region from laptop exhaustion.

This is the one and only reason why we Netflixers where shirts while swimming – not because of our exercise merely being eye movements and not because of that bowl of mint chocolate chip ice-cream to the right of our screen – no, Netflixers wear shirts to cover burns.

6. Rewarding basic actions with Netflix time.

Wow, 5 whole minutes devoted to thinking about researching how to invest in the future. Good for you, Netflixer, give yourself a good hour.

7. Keeping a tab open of the sacred site.

Opens up computer. Discreetly clicks on hidden tab. Begins watching “New Girl.” 

     - J. A. Kind

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Art Exhibition: 8 - The Computerized Faces

Picture.

Picture.

Picture.

I made it out of pixels.

And when it's...

Nevermind.

This is Rita.


I made pictures on Rita.

This is a face.


This is also a face.


- J. A. Kind

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Gerard The Frenchie

Gerard has an Instagram account.

The account is @gerardthefrenchie

- J. A. Kind

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Ready or Not, Here I [explicit]

     The morning Adeline asked to play hide and seek, her father cracked a smile. 
When the foremost of sun’s beams etched out a path in the sky, subsequently penetrating the off-white cloth curtains of the room of the child, Adeline awoke.  Her face painted a contorted grin of a labored collection of sun kissed memories, not yet manifested, as the worn droplets of light sprinkled over the curved cheeks and forehead, dribbling like the spit of a predator with hind legs in states of tension and leading nails in a battle for territory.  As one foot descended from bed to ground, Adeline, still moist from the sweat of sleep, gabbled silently with thrill.  For today she would skin the hind of childhood, as both predator and prey ascended from juvenile mockery, and the games commenced. 
So, young Adeline, still in her nightgown, began her quest across the lonely home.  She skipped out of her room, fluttering like the dust that exposed itself to light, and knocked on her parent’s chipped door.  Adeline babbled, “Papa, wake up, wake up.  It is five five!  Five five!  Five five!”  Her father, already having awoken and dressed, stood still on the other side of the door.  He pressed his pelvis firmly into the stained wood and smiled. 
The motive for such actions arose from the halls of history.  In the paternal family’s undocumented records, a series of events became traditional.  Every immediate family, from the time of the crossing of The Pond, bred one, peculiar child.  This child, once attaining the certain 5/5, would participate in a single round of hide and seek with their sexually opposed guardian.  The certain 5/5 is unique for individual members.  However, predominately, the age stands too high to search for monsters under the bed, appropriate to fear them, and too small to obtain the understanding that those very monsters lurk within the very owner of the age.  Having had his daughter finally reach the mark, the father was excited.  For today he would skin the hind of childhood, as both predator and prey ascended from juvenile mockery, and the games commenced.
Hide and seek dominated the recreational realm of the childhood his body once experienced.  Darkness and claustrophobia strangled the trachea – he appreciated the tormented grip.  For the father’s own progenitors, had lingered in kindness far too long.  As a celibate, the younger skin of his own craved a fall.  The game, ready or not.  The plummet of the lungs and stomach at the sound of “come” shook his corporeal being to the core.  Comical, is it not, that the reverberation of the collection of waves resembling the same word caught as a child, excite him to this day?  “Run,” the voices would yelp.  “Ascend one knee after another, as sweat condenses on the forehead, and vestal lips sputter in the wind.”  No pureblooded amalgamation of live atoms could hide in the game for long – limbs, without fail, crave the demand of application.  Appendages, games – thirst.
            The father partook in a game of his own nature.  The maternal clan decreed, “Children play games.”  He whispered through the worn opening, “I play back.”
            “What did you say, Papa?” whispered Adeline.  Her father avoided response, removed his enlarged pelvic region from the chipped barricade, and opened the door.  He picked up his daughter, and kissed her on the neck.  Subsequently, he murmured into his daughter’s hearing hole, “Go hide.”
            Adeline returned to the floor with the aid of her father’s tightly gripped hands, and ran off.  Her hair bobbled as she ascended one knee after another, as sweat condescended on her forehead, and vestal lips sputtered in the wind.  She knew exactly where to hide.  She had analyzed this moment in her mind for weeks. 
            As his daughter excitedly raced off into hiding, the father lay on his bed.  His body remained over the cream colored covers, but his right arm slid under the numb body of his wife.  She was cold.  A tarnished type of frost coated the female member – a description best fit as impure.  An exact time has not been pinpointed, but at some instance, she had smudged herself, unknowingly.  She knew not the cause for the smudge, and in response, withdrew herself from interaction.  Her husband became cold.  A hard and warm type of ice coated the male member.  He stiffened with disgust, nonetheless, the remembrance of the previous night made him smile.  He recollected the sullying of the eyelashes of his wife and the consequent plucking of the very hairs from her seeing holes’ scalps.  Only the lashes on all five ends remained.  Once his wife fell into slumber, the man licked her lids and pasted the fibers of keratin onto her forehead.  Eventually, the man retracted his arm out from underneath the wife, and began his quest across the lonely home. 
            He exited the threshold.
            Once out in the hall, a small object of matter caught the father’s greasy eye.  An outlined flower of reddened, translucent petals laid dormant on the knotted wood plank.  The father wandered closer, descended to his knees, and halted.  The object was no such flower.  The nails of a child had been arranged in the shape of a natural figment of nature.  The nails had slightly yellowed, rusting into a more opaque form, while blood splattered their surface and stained their shape.  Each nail had a minuscule hole. 
            At the site of such atrocity, the father panicked.  He called out for his daughter’s name and began on a direct route to the child’s room.  Pure, he thought.  Pure.  He reached the threshold, and cleared the barricade. 
            In front of her bed lay young Adeline.  Her body was wrapped in off-white curtains.  The father calmed.  The man undid the bondage.  He smiled.  It was time.  Once unwrapped, the father lifted his daughter’s limp arm.  The hand had been mutilated.  Each of the five fingers had experienced molestation – nail was missing and a thin scrape, starting from the center of what would have been the area dedicated to the nail, extended outward.  The skin of the scrape appeared chewed.  Blood clotted in the cavern and oozed out from the crevice-like cave of the missing protective piece.  The pinky was altogether absent.
            The father cradled the hand of his daughter, using more than just his own gripper.  For him, appendages liked to be applied.  He thereafter, continued with the unraveling of the child. 
            Immediately, his lungs and stomach plummeted as his body shook to the core.  Plastered all over his shaved daughter were miniscule hairs.  The same plastering he had used on his wife, drenched his daughter.  The man grabbed his groin with shock.  Each hair, no longer than half a centi-meter, hugged his daughter.  They enveloped every fold and crease.  Penetrated all openings, and laid on all five limbs. 
            The father shook.  His hands began shaking.  His teeth began chattering.  The enamel in his whites lashed against one another, developing foam, as the tongue intertwined with the jaw, and the fingers abused the uvula.  His feet began feeling uncontrollably hot.  He pushed them into his daughter’s stomach.  He began feeling the half centi-meter hairs dance in-between his toes.  He began biting his lip.  He began biting his lip so hard.  He began biting his lip so hard it bled.  He began biting his lip so hard it bled.  He began biting his lip so hard it bled.  He began biting his lip so hard it bled.
            He began to touch his groin.  He unbuckled his pants.  Discharge.  He was bleeding.  But the blood was pink.  He grabbed his member an
d laid down next to his daughter.  He desperately belted, “ You were the one.  The one.  My daughter, you were the one.  The pure.  Purity.  I had found purity.  Hide and seek.  You hid, and I sought.  I found your purity.   I would discover your purity.  Invent it.  You were pure.  Pure.  Pure.  Pure.  Pure.  Pure.  I would break that.  I would devour it.  For you were my predator and I was your prey.  We were hide and seek.”
            As her husband lay next to the child covered in the off-white cloth, the wife grinned.  She stood tall and erect in the threshold, draped in her nudity and the eyelashes of her own.  She breathed in the scent of the room, so powerfully, her stomach contracted.  Through the paled and contracted skin of her own, a finger depicted its indentation in the area of her stomach. 

            The morning Adeline asked to play hide and seek, her father cracked a smile.

          - J. A. Kind

Monday, October 27, 2014

Art Exhibition: 7 - Face

This is a face.  I drew it.  I can make more.

     - J. A. Kind